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i couldn't stay away from livejournal for very long.  i felt like i needed to write my thoughts down. i started to think about how you are all doing.
nonetheless i do want a fresh start. 

Sep. 20th, 2008

i need to take a break from live journal. it's really not a healthy habit for me right now. i'm posting this in hopes i will stick to my word; maybe i won't. maybe i'll be back.

i need to take a breather.

i've been binging and purging far too much.

i love everyone who comments & reads my posts here. i'm as friendless as they come right now so i can honestly say, it helps me to hear from you.

bye for now.

in art room

i am in the art room at remuda life.

i didn't think it was possible that there is actually an art room worse than the one at the ranch. you know, with like kindergarten art supplies and empty glue bottles.

but this one is even WORSE. there are bins of old pens and dried out markers. and someone was nice enough to finish a drawing i left in here. ughhhh.

but C. is here now. and that's cool because i was lonely.

but it sucks, too, because i'm still on frickn after meal/snack monitering and i spend all of my time in the office with the rts staff. just dawdling around and reading or doodling. recovery at its best, my friends.

and i was just talking about this with c. but when you get to Remuda Life from the ranch, it feels like you regress. like i have been fighting to drink my ensures. i've tipped them out, even, into the sink before i go to the snack checks. which i won't do anymore because it's risking it.

but AGHHHH i do feel like i've regressed.

(mostly) friends only

this journal is friends only

just add me, i will mosty likely add you back

painting, polaroiding, time-travelling

painting. this is what i meant when i said i need to paint 'deeper'. i don't think i like it much, though. it just felt really good to do.

you can see her bones and some organs. i think those are supposed to be ovaries. look at what pours out when i let my brain run.

i took some polaroids yesterday. i wasted two pictures because the shutter sometimes doesn't open when you push the flash in. the pictures are very bad but i promise myself i'll get better. i will post some later, when they get better. i am making a crappy polaroid into a collagey thing about travelling in time-years, as opposed to good years, bad years and lightyears.

pretty hungry

i don't feel like writing about anything mundane.

here is a painting i did, in honour of dear coughey.


bright yellow! take that yer eyes. sorry if it's super-huge.

went to the 'guam council for arts & humanities' gallery. everything was island-themed. nothing very original at all. all wannabe guagans and van goghs with palm trees. the only painting i liked was hung right at the entrance of the women's bathrooms in the hallway next to the water fountain. it had a animal body with a girl head, which i do. dad says i could get an exhibition but my art would stick out i think.

my little brother is like an old man. he tells me to turn my music down because it offends his ears.

i ran a 5k this morning.

my friend in australia sent this wikipedia article about my former school there. makes me miss it alot though i pretty much despised it at the time!

it's funny but they spelled ensemble wrong.

but i certaintly really and truely hate my current school, you can count on that.

mocha frappe with whipped cream

i had a field trip today with a club i am in at a hotel in the touristey part of the island, and it ended early. so i found this awesome but overpriced coffee shop and had a mocha frappe sitting on the side of a fountain, listening to sunset rubdown and reading Dostoyevsky but also watching the japanese tourists shop and eye me. I was in school uniform and it was only around 1:30 so i must have looked pretty suspicious.

but that was fun. i never get to do stuff like that, because that isn't what things are like here.

i won't see J until thursday. this makes me feel sad, even though he is too much when i am around him sometimes. but so nice to talk to him on the phone (for over an hour last night) about pointless things. he asked to borrow a Kerouac book i have! he doesn't read alot so this is a great thing. he's letting me borrow a wes anderson film (rushmore), which i want to see because it has that funny cute guy from Shopgirl (and that was a sucky movie besides him. it was just...no). i'm also letting him borrow Amelie.

A drawing I did, painted with tea, of Rodya Rasolnikov

more art

future plans

must get off of this island somehow.

i want to go to russia.

it would be lonely, but i'm lonely here, too.

how the wasps in my stomach sing

in buzzes for their dishevelled queen,
the larval lady, all fat and white,
puckered like a painful mouth sore.
in the dark my sisters snore
they breathe in light minced breaths
i lie like christ on lead-lined pipes
to cringe at their warm wet whispers.

'frigid ingrid frog' by myself